Sigh.
Toxic masculinity is getting a lot of press these days. I think I’ve known about it a lot longer than it's actually been a thing for, as a lot of men I've known or dated certainly seem to have it. But do you know what I think is actually annoying me more of late? It’s men who think women owe them something.
You'll know the types I'm talking about. One phrase I've heard a lot that helps to identify these men is - “I keep getting friend-zoned”.
I get the feeling that we should feel bad if we’re not attracted to a guy and actually think they’re worth having in our life as a friend. As someone we might still want to share experiences with other than sex. If someone wants to be friends with me I take that as a huge compliment. That they want to share their experiences and time with me is precious. But to a man you've declined to date it’s like you’ve just offered him something ridiculously unpleasant.
And don’t get me started on the term Friend-Zoned, which no doubt was a phrase coined by a man. Clearly one who had been told time and again that his affections were unwanted, but that the woman in question would still like to be friends. Must be the women at fault, certainly couldn’t be something for the men to reflect on.
Then you have the men who upon being rejected respond with hatred and bullying. Trying to make the women feel so bad about themselves that they change their mind and decide not to reject them, that’ll work right? "Oh he thinks I’m fat and/or ugly so I must reconsider going on a date with him..." Err maybe not. Maybe women actually know their own worth and won't fall for that, although I'm sad to say that some still do.
The most common guys that I’ve come into contact with are the ones that try too hard to make something out of your friendship. Constantly trying to start conversations that don’t need to be started. Asking you about things you’ve posted about on Facebook or instagram just to get you to talk to them. I get that you might be lonely but I don’t especially want private messages about everything I post. I like my solitude and actually am not one of those girls that gives a shit about how many likes she gets. In fact I usually just post things that come tumbling out of my head. Much like this very post.
I’m not going to change my mind about you 6 months, or a year, or several years after I’ve told you I’m not attracted to you. So why are you persisting and asking me out again? I have several lesbian friends and I KNOW without it ever needing to happen that if one of them told me they had feelings for me - and I said that’s lovely but I don’t feel that way - I wouldn’t be met with a barrage of messages and have to tell them time and again that my answer is still no. It does just seem to be men that don't get the hint.
My annoyance, and therefore the entire reason for this post has been brought about because of several factors. One was the old episode of first dates that I was watching the other day. One of the guys on it was exactly this type of guy who felt women were bitches because he couldn’t find one who’d have sex with him. Mmm I wonder why? He wasn’t to my taste looks wise, but the qualities he was displaying on this programme were enough to actually make him unattractive. So whiney. So wounded by so many “thanks but no thanks”. At the end his date told him she saw him more as a friend, but then the end wrap up told us that after the show he'd asked her again and she'd relented. Of course it didn't put it like this, it said she'd reconsidered. But it left an extremely bad taste in my mouth that she'd clearly felt pressured to go out with him.
Another reason for this post is the guilt that has been shovelled in my direction this Christmas by my dad because I couldn’t face another year of staying in his dusty junk room and watching him drink himself into a stupor.
It’s the 10 year anniversary of my best friend’s suicide this Christmas. Not that it would have crossed his mind that that was this year. Or that I might need time to reflect on that and need to be in a good place mentally, which I wouldn’t be if I went “home”. Not that he’s ever asked me about her or what happened. Because it’s just about him and what he wants. And the fact that I’ve not gone home is a slight on him and nothing more.
Where do men get off having this attitude towards women? And why aren’t they reflecting on what might be wrong with THEM that the women they are asking out are saying no to? I haven’t had a relationship in over 10 years but I accept that the reason for that is because I am fussy. I certainly don’t feel like men owe me anything. So why is the reverse true for them? I just don’t get it.
And why don’t they see that this desperate and angry behaviour is making them more of a turn off to the women they so desperately chase after? Was this kind of behaviour ever successful in obtaining a woman? I somehow don’t think it was. 100 years ago did men constantly ask women out and cry if they said no, until the poor woman agreed just to shut them up? Maybe men need to change their tactics and just concentrate on being more genuine, caring, and less needy. It certainly doesn’t do anything for me.
