Stress and Loss and all the things in between

Last night I went to see the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie Demolition, about a man who's wife dies in a car accident. Instead of making me want to write a review for that movie, it made me reflect on my current situation, which some of you are more aware of than others.

For those who don't know, my mum was recently moved into a "care" home due to her decreasing ability to care for herself as her Alzheimer's worsens. She was diagnosed with the disease less than 5 years ago and has decreased at an alarming rate in that time. The temporary home she was in failed to take the most basic care of her, and as such she has deteriorated into a very frail lady in a mere 6 weeks. Her already low weight dropped to such a level that my sister in law likened her to someone coming out of a concentration camp. 

She sadly no longer recognises any of her immediate family members or friends, although she seems to know that we are people who love and care for her. The last few weeks since my brother and I discovered how she was being treated have without a doubt been the most stressful of my life so far. And from speaking to him, I'm guessing the same goes for him too.

I've been experiencing anxiety, physical sickness, stomach cramps, and inability to concentrate, amongst other things, none of which are good when I've just started a new job. In between this are bouts where I just feel numb. This is where Demolition comes in. There is a part in the movie where the husband of the dead woman goes to his doctor and tells him he feels numb, and has done for a number of years. He also likes to demolish things, hence the title, and acts inappropriately in the view of others. 

The thing is that when you go through a stressful event such as losing a loved one, everyone on the planet handles it differently. Some people thrive under pressure, some worry. Some get really angry, others get really quiet and over-think things. There is no one way to handle these things.

I have always been a worrier. My whole life. I have a very distinct memory from when I was really quite young, around 6 or so, when I first thought about what would happen when my mum dies. Most children that age don't think about things like that. I used to actively worry about it. My mum was my world, my best friend, the person I could tell anything to and usually the first person I wanted to tell anything to. 

Not being able to talk to her is killing me. Not literally, I'm not that dramatic, but it hurts like hell. It really fucking sucks. And the fact that when I do talk to her, she's not in there anymore, that sucks the most. Because I can still talk to her, but that person I'm talking to isn't my mum anymore. She doesn't respond the way I always knew she would. She doesn't say reassuring things anymore when life gets really crappy. For all intents and purposes my mum has already died. 

I'm not writing this to upset anyone, I'm just trying to relay my feelings to the best of my abilities, so that those who can't understand why I am doing or saying the things I am, those who think I am numb, or unfeeling, or uncaring, can maybe see things from my side. 

I wouldn't wish Alzheimer's on my worst enemy, so anyone who is currently experiencing this with a loved one has my deepest sympathy and respect. 

There is a Buffy quote that just came to me, "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be Brave. Live." Ain't that the truth. 

The Single Life

I have been off work these last few days with a horrid summer cold. Normally I'd be saying why do we get colds in summer but this is a typical British summer which is warm in the morning, then rainy before you've even made it to work and then boiling hot by lunchtime. It's no wonder my body has no idea what's going on.

In the time off feeling sorry for myself I've been watching a lot of TV and I kept seeing adverts for 'Married at First Sight' which is currently being aired on Channel 4. As a long term singleton, and someone who was contacted to be on a similar show a couple of years ago, I was intrigued to see the outcome of these arranged marriages. 

One of the first things that has struck me is that most of these 'singletons' on the show have only been single for a year or two. The two people who have been single the longest have a 5 year single history. But I would be surprised if their consideration of 'single' means no dates, no one night stands, no anything.

I find it a little worrying that these people would be so quick to marry a total stranger after only a year or two of being single. I can't help but wonder how they would cope with being single for much longer, as I have. I understand that people have arranged marriages every day, but the religious and family traditions behind those marriages are really quite different than the reasons that these people are taking part in this experiment. 

People still say to me 'oh have you tried this dating website' or 'have you tried speed dating' etc. Truth is I have tried most dating websites, but something the show mentioned which I agree with is that it's hard to get a feel of whether someone is right for you from an email. Not impossible, as I have connected with people over messages before, but it's been very rare. And after being single for as long as I have it's really quite frightening to even think of randomly meeting someone in the flesh from a dating website. 

Speed dating is something I've not yet tried but I think it has to be the next step, and might take some of the fear out of meeting guys in the flesh as it will only be for a short amount of time initially. My only concern here is that I know I don't tend to come across well on first meetings, and that it takes time for people to warm to me. It's something I'd like to be able to change about myself, and maybe if I have to do it over and over it will soften people's first impression of me. 

Another thing I agree with the show on, is that finding a partner is something of a job in itself. And when you already have a full time job, and lots of hobbies that you have filled your spare time with, how do you then fit in time to find a partner, let alone time to spend with them once you've found them? After this amount of time on my own I know that I have become set in my ways, but that's not to say I don't want someone to spend my nights with, or that I don't miss the closeness that having a partner would bring.

I suppose at the end of the day no matter how independent someone is, no matter what has stopped them from meeting someone, we all want to find someone who loves us. And who we can love in return. When you're the one remaining single friend amongst everyone you know, it becomes harder to argue the virtues of being single. I can definitely feel the walls closing in, in that respect, and it's terrifying to think I might still be single when everyone I know is paired off and having kids. I'm already in the minority of my friends when it comes to singles versus marrieds. And as much as I know it's not a war, it can sure feel like it when you're looked upon as the freak who can't get a boyfriend. Or even a date for that matter. 

It leads you to ask 'what's wrong with me?', 'why doesn't anybody want to date me?' But then I look at the type of guys who do respond to me on dating sites, because there are a few, and then I wonder if maybe I am too picky? But after being single for so long, don't I deserve to be picky and not go for the first guy who shows interest?

I don't have the answers (obviously), but watching that show certainly made me think that I've not yet hit bottom if I'm not willing to marry a total stranger on national television.