Stress and Loss and all the things in between

Last night I went to see the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie Demolition, about a man who's wife dies in a car accident. Instead of making me want to write a review for that movie, it made me reflect on my current situation, which some of you are more aware of than others.

For those who don't know, my mum was recently moved into a "care" home due to her decreasing ability to care for herself as her Alzheimer's worsens. She was diagnosed with the disease less than 5 years ago and has decreased at an alarming rate in that time. The temporary home she was in failed to take the most basic care of her, and as such she has deteriorated into a very frail lady in a mere 6 weeks. Her already low weight dropped to such a level that my sister in law likened her to someone coming out of a concentration camp. 

She sadly no longer recognises any of her immediate family members or friends, although she seems to know that we are people who love and care for her. The last few weeks since my brother and I discovered how she was being treated have without a doubt been the most stressful of my life so far. And from speaking to him, I'm guessing the same goes for him too.

I've been experiencing anxiety, physical sickness, stomach cramps, and inability to concentrate, amongst other things, none of which are good when I've just started a new job. In between this are bouts where I just feel numb. This is where Demolition comes in. There is a part in the movie where the husband of the dead woman goes to his doctor and tells him he feels numb, and has done for a number of years. He also likes to demolish things, hence the title, and acts inappropriately in the view of others. 

The thing is that when you go through a stressful event such as losing a loved one, everyone on the planet handles it differently. Some people thrive under pressure, some worry. Some get really angry, others get really quiet and over-think things. There is no one way to handle these things.

I have always been a worrier. My whole life. I have a very distinct memory from when I was really quite young, around 6 or so, when I first thought about what would happen when my mum dies. Most children that age don't think about things like that. I used to actively worry about it. My mum was my world, my best friend, the person I could tell anything to and usually the first person I wanted to tell anything to. 

Not being able to talk to her is killing me. Not literally, I'm not that dramatic, but it hurts like hell. It really fucking sucks. And the fact that when I do talk to her, she's not in there anymore, that sucks the most. Because I can still talk to her, but that person I'm talking to isn't my mum anymore. She doesn't respond the way I always knew she would. She doesn't say reassuring things anymore when life gets really crappy. For all intents and purposes my mum has already died. 

I'm not writing this to upset anyone, I'm just trying to relay my feelings to the best of my abilities, so that those who can't understand why I am doing or saying the things I am, those who think I am numb, or unfeeling, or uncaring, can maybe see things from my side. 

I wouldn't wish Alzheimer's on my worst enemy, so anyone who is currently experiencing this with a loved one has my deepest sympathy and respect. 

There is a Buffy quote that just came to me, "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be Brave. Live." Ain't that the truth.